Time

I have not had the best week thinking wise. Those old thoughts are sneaking back in. I am eating a bit more than I should. We are watching The Biggest Loser right now. I said something to Larry about that I have not had one real "bad" food since I started this journey. He pretty much reacted in a way that told me he does not agree with that. The only time I have had more than I should was a couple of weeks ago when I had a pint of soft serve. Yes, I should not have had it. But, I have been SO strong for 3 years. How do I give up my Consolation? My only real Lover right now. I am not getting enough loving. So, here comes my dear friend again to make me feel good. I have been in pain from not eating!! How does one change the mindset of loving food? I keep saying TRY. There is no Try, there is only do or do not. I don't want to be unhealthy. I will not make any more excuses. I am way too good at doing that. I see myself in the two young girls on the Loser. They say some of the same things I have been saying to myself. I have been doing what they are doing all of my Life. It really makes me angry at me. I am NOT going back to that fat person I was. This has to end NOW, right HERE. I will be stronger. I really will!! What am I avoiding? Why am I slipping? What has changed that is making me give up on me? Well, one thing is that I feel all control of my Life slipping away again. I have no purpose except to be there for my kids and be at everyone's beck and call. There is no way I can say no! I am a Lifeline to my daughter. She is dealing with a heavy load. If I say no to that, it makes me a bad person. Yet this all said, I want to run away. I feel the need to escape at all costs again. What would I do if I could right now? I would go somewhere for a couple of months. Then once I got there, I would want to be home the entire time I was gone. I even thought of applying for the Biggest Loser Couples the next time. I know how crazy that sounds. I even talked to hubby about going back to College again and he pretty much laughed at me. That is 2 times today he has done that. I need to finally stand up for myself. You see the thing about this is, when I did it before, everyone in my Family just thought I was nuts. Tell me why? I do not know. They say you teach people how to treat you. What am I doing wrong? I do not believe in myself. I feel sad most of the time because I cannot enjoy my food anymore. Even when I do eat things I love, I still feel guilty. When I eat right I still feel guilty. Should I have eaten that? probably not. How did I overcome this last time? I knew that my health is at risk. I need to tap into that again. This is a possibility. I also know that I need to lose the weight for my Heart. This is what I need to think about when my mind starts that old thinking again. Why do I defeat myself? What do I get from being Fat? I am trying to fade away again. I am so bored here. I am also feeling threatened by hubby being here so much. There are things I want to do here that I never get to do because we are always going some where. My entire day is disrupted to "go". It is like everything is spinning out of control again. I have even thought about getting a job again just to get away. Would I mess up even the best job if I got it? That ideal job? I do not know. I have always been non-decisive. It is easier to just give up than it is to fight. If I don't believe in me, how will anyone else? I think I seriously need to talk to someone about this, but who? Maybe tomorrow will help me. I go to the Heart Surgeon tomorrow. Facing this surgery has not been a good thing. The continued waiting, the not knowing. The time lost by having the spells. That is all I know for sure. HELP!!

Change

Think your Life. Make changes in your thinking, it will change your Life forever. (I am watching Oprah and these are notes I am making from the show. I have thought in a pit for several years. What do I mean by this? I was stuck in a pit and could not climb out alone. I needed help. There are days when I find myself starting to drag or slip back in. When that happens, I tell myself to shut up and get rid of those negative thoughts. What am I sending out into the Universe? Negatives or Positives. I am slowly turning these thoughts around. Now I am sending out these vibes. Universe here I am. These are my thoughts. I will become thin. Not Runway thin, but Healthy thin. Heart thin. No longer worried about that number on the scale.

Go to the Core of Truth. Ask for deeper things, not shallow ones. BE CONTENT~!!
Ring of Fire is where you have to go to get to where you want to go. Core of Peace. Embrace yourself and your Life. Accept where you are now (Myself accepting)

Become Spiritual. Pray. Ask for what you need, not what you want. There is a deep difference.
Believe in Miracles! Ask for Miracles!
Get Miracles.

I still wonder where I went off track. Maybe that is not important. Maybe I have spent way too much time trying to figure that out. I am content where I am right now. There are things happening that I did not expect nor want, but every one of them has taught me something. Life is what Happens while you are making plans.

I begin right here right now to send out to the Universe my needs. That saying "Be careful what you ask for" is so true. If you ask for shallow, you get shallow. I have been asking for shallow for too long. One day I was reading what I had written in my journal. I suddenly realized that my husband has all of the qualities that I wanted in a man. Yet somehow, I managed to think that I did not want or need him anymore. It was never about him, It was about ME!

Vision Board. Focus. Articulate what you want for you. Success, expressions of my talent in a rewarding way. Helping others. Receive Love from strangers.

Thinking can cause things to happen. If you do not need anything, things will come to us.

Martha Beck, Author
Change thinking. Change thinking. Do a Vision board of your Dreams and Wants.

Sometimes when good things do not happen. Who do I need to forgive? MYSELF. Mom and Dad. Grandpa and Grandmas both sides.

I let this go. I am a good person, period. JUST THE WAY I AM RIGHT NOW. I finally LOVE ME! I forgive me for going to a bad place for a while. I forgive myself for being so angry at Mom and Dad and their parents. THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD. I forgive me for being so afraid of failure OR success. I will move forward from where I am...in my Art. In my exercise. In my Writing. There is good in the Universe. I deserve success. I deserve to be loved. I am worthy. I sit here typing through tears. I feel better already! I am so glad I finally asked for help....from me. I truly LOVE me now. Lumpy, dumpy, pretty, funny, talented me.

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Winter Blahs

I have been so busy the past few months, writing did not come to me. I lost out on the writing every day thing. No excuse, just did not feel like it. Got through the Holidays...at least survived them. We all had the Ava thing hanging over us this year. We were sad yet glad she is still with us. The part that kills me day after day is the knowing that this is all we will ever get of her. She is a cute little body with no working mind. How does one ever come to terms with that? How does one ever get over that pain? How do we go on? How do we deal with it? People are dealing with this sort of thing every day and with the great medical care and the "saving grace" that modern medicine gives to the medical community, where are the ethics? What about the Doctor's oath to "first do no harm"? Is it not harmful to deal with all of the after effects of having someone saved for no real quality of Life? I have been saying this from day one. The 3rd of August. The Day our world stood still. Time became just a number passing by. Don't get me wrong, I love our Ava. I love her beyond belief. The thing that kills me is the "Why". Why were we given this beautiful little girl to love and give our Hearts to only to know that she will live a Life as she will live? If you can call it living without a Brain. I hope anyone reading this will forgive me if this sounds harsh. It IS hard. Harsh, painful, angst giving, non ending. If I feel this way, how do her parents feel? They are on auto pilot going through each day and dealing with it without much showing. The toughest part is that we know nothing good will come, ever. Hope is not there as it is in most cases like this. Angry? Yes I am angry. I am angry at everything I can be mad at. I am angry that no one told us that there was a risk of chemicals on innocent looking fruits and veggies could harm a baby in the very first phase of brain development. I am angry because genetics can cause some freaky things. I am angry at the Doctors who saved her. I am angry they did not let her go. I am angry at me for feeling these feelings, they are so against my nature. I am angry at me for not being able for the first time in my Life not to fix it and make it better. I cannot help my daughter wake up from this awful Dream. Every day when I wake up, I hope it was a Dream. But of course it is no Dream, it never will be. Where am I going with this? I do not know. I guess I just want to vent it with words written down and out of my Brain at least for a little while. Where is my optimism? Right now it does not exist. Oh, I know it will return, it has to to keep me alive. We have good Family support. Ava is almost 5 months old now. I love to hold her and snuggle her. I keep hoping part of her will feel our Love, does. That is all for now, I wish I could say I feel better. I don't.

Ava part 2

It is now November. Time waits for no one. We are all moving forward. We have no choice. I want to update about Ava and her progress. She was making terrific progress the past few weeks. She was eating from the bottle for all of her feedings. We thought this was wonderful. Then last week she went into spasms or seizures. After a day of waiting, watching, then waiting at the doctors office, they prescribed phenobarbital to keep them from happening again. She was given something at the office to stop the seizure. Needless to say, this was Heart Wrenching for us all. I was visiting other two daughters and families out West for a week. I almost came home when this all happened, but realized that I needed to remain where I was. The other two deserve to have my attention too. Ava's Mom continues to leave me awe stricken. She is fantastically strong. We continue on, taking each day as it comes. We are blessed with every day we get with Ava. That will never change. She is our Angel, our Joy. We adore her. Her big brother is so gentle and loving with her. Now we learned today that the older daughter, our firstborn is expecting her second child, sibling to Big Brother who just turned 4 in October. Wow, time waits for no one! Baby will be due around end of June or first week of July. We are all moving forward. We are updated. Ava is fine. We are coping. This is the most difficult time of our Lives. We continue to move on. Bless you and yours,

Katie

Ava

Today Ava was Baptized. More on this tomorrow.

Hugs

Katie

Climbing the Mountain

Writing about me is not difficult. Admitting things that I realize as I type is difficult. Letting my mind wander until it reaches a certain place is important but not easy. That said, writing about me IS difficult. Not in the actual typing, but in the thinking thoughts that are not so nice about myself. Not judging me. Why do I judge myself? Why do I hold me up to higher levels than I do anyone else I know? Is this something learned? Is this something I was taught? Was I abused? Not intentionally. Was I abused? Was I lost? Was I ever really HEARD? How are these things connected? Are they connected? Am I a lost cause? NO. Have I thought I was a lost cause? Not of any value. Not worthy. Too Fat. Ugly. Yes I have thought all of these things. I remember my mother telling me I could do anything if I only wanted it enough. She tried to built me up. She tried to give me confidence. I was taught or learned to sit down and shut up. I learned to speak when spoken to. I learned to not try things. I learned to listen rather than speak. I learned what I was told. I also struggled to learn in many ways. It was not easy for me to learn. I saw things in such a different way than most. I was a Dreamer. I remember my Mom talking to a teacher one time, with me sitting right there, supposedly playing. I was not very old at the time, first or second grade I think. Parents, be careful what you talk about in front of your children, they listen and hear more than you realize. I am starting to realize now that part of my problems growing up were not all me. I think there is a link. My Grandfather had "Hardening of the Arteries". He did not have Alzheimers. My mother reacted almost violently when I suggested that he did. I did not know it at that time, but she was entering that world herself at that time. My own mother ended up having Alzheimers also. I think back and when I do I wonder if I am remembering things in the right way. Have I soured all my own thinking? Have I soured the thinking of my two younger children? Have I messed up my oldest Daughter? Answers are not easily found. I remember one time of getting so excited about having a slumber party. It was the first time I had been allowed to invite other girls over to stay with me. I got so worked up I made myself sick. Mom had to come and get me from school early. It was nerves I think. I was so worried about it for some reason. What I began to talk about before and wandered away from was that I believe that this problem of the mind that I have is inherited and undiagnosed Manic Depressive Disorder. It explains a lot of things from when I was growing up. It also explains some of the things that happened to me in school and in my social encounters. I remember one time being terrified of going to Bible School! I was scared all the way through it that year. The next Summer went better. I remember wanting to be social. I was always "on". My mother was the same way, ever the jokester. Yet when I look back at pictures of her growing up or later on, she was never smiling. Or if she was, it seemed a forced smile. She was very good at "acting" happy and I learned well. I do not blame her, times were not easy for women back then. I have been very blessed in that area for I have been allowed to "go my own way" by a family who love me beyond measure. I finally realize this. Isn't medicine a wonderful thing? Only 2 years ago this time of year I was in a not so happy place. I was so down on myself. Yet at the same time I was happy too. I had begun to lose weight. In fact, I had lost about 50 to 60 pounds. I am not sure of what weight because I would have to look it up in my weight watchers books. The point is, I did the most Manic thing I have ever done. It was in late October when I made the final move out. I had been moving things to an apartment for a couple of weeks by that time. I had paid the first months rent and the deposit on an apartment in a town that I have always loved visiting. After I moved there I learned of many streets that I had never been down. Funny how a person or family does things a certain way all of the time. We had always driven on the same few streets while in this town. We never ventured around to see the rest of it...mostly the northern part. This is where I found the apartment. Anyway, I moved out and only told my middle daughter because I knew she would handle it the best...she is very level headed in that way. She had to tell my husband I had moved out. I did not even talk to him about it. I could not because I knew he would talk me out of it. Now I wished I had talked to him. I would have saved us a lot of money and time and energy and effort. Love was never in question. I still love him and always will. What I NEEDED and still do is change. I need to be in control although it terrifies me to think about it. Now it is the same time of year again and here I am thinking of running away again. Actually, I think about it about once a month. Hummm.... connection there?

Loony Tunes comes to mind. Cycles. Will delve into that at a later time.

Is there a point to this rambling story? I am not sure. Will work on that at another time as well. Now it is time for me to go to bed. I will read this story again tomorrow and possibly shed some light on what it was I wanted or am trying to discover....or say.....mostly to me.

Hugs all and hug yourself too....it feels good and you deserve it!!!

Katie

Boy does it

I have written here for some time of my going through "changes" as I become older. I had over 3 years of wandering in my mind, trying to find "me". Not the me that others know. The Me I never became. I still search for her. Perhaps I always will.

What happened to make me wonder about who I am, under the facade I have created? The fact that I never knew who I was. I thought I did. I was my Parents child. I always tried to be what they thought I should be. This never seemed wrong to me. It just was. I cannot blame anyone but me for who I became, I realize that. I might have been better off had I never began the journey to me.

Why do I say this? Because the delving into who I am has not been easy. Telling the exact truth and opening those deep wounds hurts. But, to heal, one must hurt first.
I will go on with this at another time. It is time for bed now.

May all of you have wonderful Days each and every day of your Lives. Don't neglect to see the tiny joys of this world. Even a Cobweb is outstandingly beautiful. Okay, I have not figured out how a mosquito is beautiful yet, but there must be something about it that is. Perhaps when it freezes in winter and dies? If you know of something good about it, let me know. My point is that we rush by things so fast, we never take time to enjoy each and every small thing that contributes to the joy and beauty of the world.

For petes sake, stop and smell the coffee, the flowers...and see with those eyes the simple pleasures.

My Granddaughter was born with no eyes. She will never see. She may never do much of anything. We are still waiting to find out about that. That is why I am here typing this when I should be asleep. Hug your Children. Appreciate them. Do not harm them by yelling at them. Take out your frustrations in other ways. You may not know the harm until much later on in your Life. I know I have said too much. Goodnight
Katie