Winter Blahs

I have been so busy the past few months, writing did not come to me. I lost out on the writing every day thing. No excuse, just did not feel like it. Got through the Holidays...at least survived them. We all had the Ava thing hanging over us this year. We were sad yet glad she is still with us. The part that kills me day after day is the knowing that this is all we will ever get of her. She is a cute little body with no working mind. How does one ever come to terms with that? How does one ever get over that pain? How do we go on? How do we deal with it? People are dealing with this sort of thing every day and with the great medical care and the "saving grace" that modern medicine gives to the medical community, where are the ethics? What about the Doctor's oath to "first do no harm"? Is it not harmful to deal with all of the after effects of having someone saved for no real quality of Life? I have been saying this from day one. The 3rd of August. The Day our world stood still. Time became just a number passing by. Don't get me wrong, I love our Ava. I love her beyond belief. The thing that kills me is the "Why". Why were we given this beautiful little girl to love and give our Hearts to only to know that she will live a Life as she will live? If you can call it living without a Brain. I hope anyone reading this will forgive me if this sounds harsh. It IS hard. Harsh, painful, angst giving, non ending. If I feel this way, how do her parents feel? They are on auto pilot going through each day and dealing with it without much showing. The toughest part is that we know nothing good will come, ever. Hope is not there as it is in most cases like this. Angry? Yes I am angry. I am angry at everything I can be mad at. I am angry that no one told us that there was a risk of chemicals on innocent looking fruits and veggies could harm a baby in the very first phase of brain development. I am angry because genetics can cause some freaky things. I am angry at the Doctors who saved her. I am angry they did not let her go. I am angry at me for feeling these feelings, they are so against my nature. I am angry at me for not being able for the first time in my Life not to fix it and make it better. I cannot help my daughter wake up from this awful Dream. Every day when I wake up, I hope it was a Dream. But of course it is no Dream, it never will be. Where am I going with this? I do not know. I guess I just want to vent it with words written down and out of my Brain at least for a little while. Where is my optimism? Right now it does not exist. Oh, I know it will return, it has to to keep me alive. We have good Family support. Ava is almost 5 months old now. I love to hold her and snuggle her. I keep hoping part of her will feel our Love, does. That is all for now, I wish I could say I feel better. I don't.