Ava part 2

It is now November. Time waits for no one. We are all moving forward. We have no choice. I want to update about Ava and her progress. She was making terrific progress the past few weeks. She was eating from the bottle for all of her feedings. We thought this was wonderful. Then last week she went into spasms or seizures. After a day of waiting, watching, then waiting at the doctors office, they prescribed phenobarbital to keep them from happening again. She was given something at the office to stop the seizure. Needless to say, this was Heart Wrenching for us all. I was visiting other two daughters and families out West for a week. I almost came home when this all happened, but realized that I needed to remain where I was. The other two deserve to have my attention too. Ava's Mom continues to leave me awe stricken. She is fantastically strong. We continue on, taking each day as it comes. We are blessed with every day we get with Ava. That will never change. She is our Angel, our Joy. We adore her. Her big brother is so gentle and loving with her. Now we learned today that the older daughter, our firstborn is expecting her second child, sibling to Big Brother who just turned 4 in October. Wow, time waits for no one! Baby will be due around end of June or first week of July. We are all moving forward. We are updated. Ava is fine. We are coping. This is the most difficult time of our Lives. We continue to move on. Bless you and yours,

Katie

Ava

Today Ava was Baptized. More on this tomorrow.

Hugs

Katie

Climbing the Mountain

Writing about me is not difficult. Admitting things that I realize as I type is difficult. Letting my mind wander until it reaches a certain place is important but not easy. That said, writing about me IS difficult. Not in the actual typing, but in the thinking thoughts that are not so nice about myself. Not judging me. Why do I judge myself? Why do I hold me up to higher levels than I do anyone else I know? Is this something learned? Is this something I was taught? Was I abused? Not intentionally. Was I abused? Was I lost? Was I ever really HEARD? How are these things connected? Are they connected? Am I a lost cause? NO. Have I thought I was a lost cause? Not of any value. Not worthy. Too Fat. Ugly. Yes I have thought all of these things. I remember my mother telling me I could do anything if I only wanted it enough. She tried to built me up. She tried to give me confidence. I was taught or learned to sit down and shut up. I learned to speak when spoken to. I learned to not try things. I learned to listen rather than speak. I learned what I was told. I also struggled to learn in many ways. It was not easy for me to learn. I saw things in such a different way than most. I was a Dreamer. I remember my Mom talking to a teacher one time, with me sitting right there, supposedly playing. I was not very old at the time, first or second grade I think. Parents, be careful what you talk about in front of your children, they listen and hear more than you realize. I am starting to realize now that part of my problems growing up were not all me. I think there is a link. My Grandfather had "Hardening of the Arteries". He did not have Alzheimers. My mother reacted almost violently when I suggested that he did. I did not know it at that time, but she was entering that world herself at that time. My own mother ended up having Alzheimers also. I think back and when I do I wonder if I am remembering things in the right way. Have I soured all my own thinking? Have I soured the thinking of my two younger children? Have I messed up my oldest Daughter? Answers are not easily found. I remember one time of getting so excited about having a slumber party. It was the first time I had been allowed to invite other girls over to stay with me. I got so worked up I made myself sick. Mom had to come and get me from school early. It was nerves I think. I was so worried about it for some reason. What I began to talk about before and wandered away from was that I believe that this problem of the mind that I have is inherited and undiagnosed Manic Depressive Disorder. It explains a lot of things from when I was growing up. It also explains some of the things that happened to me in school and in my social encounters. I remember one time being terrified of going to Bible School! I was scared all the way through it that year. The next Summer went better. I remember wanting to be social. I was always "on". My mother was the same way, ever the jokester. Yet when I look back at pictures of her growing up or later on, she was never smiling. Or if she was, it seemed a forced smile. She was very good at "acting" happy and I learned well. I do not blame her, times were not easy for women back then. I have been very blessed in that area for I have been allowed to "go my own way" by a family who love me beyond measure. I finally realize this. Isn't medicine a wonderful thing? Only 2 years ago this time of year I was in a not so happy place. I was so down on myself. Yet at the same time I was happy too. I had begun to lose weight. In fact, I had lost about 50 to 60 pounds. I am not sure of what weight because I would have to look it up in my weight watchers books. The point is, I did the most Manic thing I have ever done. It was in late October when I made the final move out. I had been moving things to an apartment for a couple of weeks by that time. I had paid the first months rent and the deposit on an apartment in a town that I have always loved visiting. After I moved there I learned of many streets that I had never been down. Funny how a person or family does things a certain way all of the time. We had always driven on the same few streets while in this town. We never ventured around to see the rest of it...mostly the northern part. This is where I found the apartment. Anyway, I moved out and only told my middle daughter because I knew she would handle it the best...she is very level headed in that way. She had to tell my husband I had moved out. I did not even talk to him about it. I could not because I knew he would talk me out of it. Now I wished I had talked to him. I would have saved us a lot of money and time and energy and effort. Love was never in question. I still love him and always will. What I NEEDED and still do is change. I need to be in control although it terrifies me to think about it. Now it is the same time of year again and here I am thinking of running away again. Actually, I think about it about once a month. Hummm.... connection there?

Loony Tunes comes to mind. Cycles. Will delve into that at a later time.

Is there a point to this rambling story? I am not sure. Will work on that at another time as well. Now it is time for me to go to bed. I will read this story again tomorrow and possibly shed some light on what it was I wanted or am trying to discover....or say.....mostly to me.

Hugs all and hug yourself too....it feels good and you deserve it!!!

Katie

Boy does it

I have written here for some time of my going through "changes" as I become older. I had over 3 years of wandering in my mind, trying to find "me". Not the me that others know. The Me I never became. I still search for her. Perhaps I always will.

What happened to make me wonder about who I am, under the facade I have created? The fact that I never knew who I was. I thought I did. I was my Parents child. I always tried to be what they thought I should be. This never seemed wrong to me. It just was. I cannot blame anyone but me for who I became, I realize that. I might have been better off had I never began the journey to me.

Why do I say this? Because the delving into who I am has not been easy. Telling the exact truth and opening those deep wounds hurts. But, to heal, one must hurt first.
I will go on with this at another time. It is time for bed now.

May all of you have wonderful Days each and every day of your Lives. Don't neglect to see the tiny joys of this world. Even a Cobweb is outstandingly beautiful. Okay, I have not figured out how a mosquito is beautiful yet, but there must be something about it that is. Perhaps when it freezes in winter and dies? If you know of something good about it, let me know. My point is that we rush by things so fast, we never take time to enjoy each and every small thing that contributes to the joy and beauty of the world.

For petes sake, stop and smell the coffee, the flowers...and see with those eyes the simple pleasures.

My Granddaughter was born with no eyes. She will never see. She may never do much of anything. We are still waiting to find out about that. That is why I am here typing this when I should be asleep. Hug your Children. Appreciate them. Do not harm them by yelling at them. Take out your frustrations in other ways. You may not know the harm until much later on in your Life. I know I have said too much. Goodnight
Katie