Time

I have not had the best week thinking wise. Those old thoughts are sneaking back in. I am eating a bit more than I should. We are watching The Biggest Loser right now. I said something to Larry about that I have not had one real "bad" food since I started this journey. He pretty much reacted in a way that told me he does not agree with that. The only time I have had more than I should was a couple of weeks ago when I had a pint of soft serve. Yes, I should not have had it. But, I have been SO strong for 3 years. How do I give up my Consolation? My only real Lover right now. I am not getting enough loving. So, here comes my dear friend again to make me feel good. I have been in pain from not eating!! How does one change the mindset of loving food? I keep saying TRY. There is no Try, there is only do or do not. I don't want to be unhealthy. I will not make any more excuses. I am way too good at doing that. I see myself in the two young girls on the Loser. They say some of the same things I have been saying to myself. I have been doing what they are doing all of my Life. It really makes me angry at me. I am NOT going back to that fat person I was. This has to end NOW, right HERE. I will be stronger. I really will!! What am I avoiding? Why am I slipping? What has changed that is making me give up on me? Well, one thing is that I feel all control of my Life slipping away again. I have no purpose except to be there for my kids and be at everyone's beck and call. There is no way I can say no! I am a Lifeline to my daughter. She is dealing with a heavy load. If I say no to that, it makes me a bad person. Yet this all said, I want to run away. I feel the need to escape at all costs again. What would I do if I could right now? I would go somewhere for a couple of months. Then once I got there, I would want to be home the entire time I was gone. I even thought of applying for the Biggest Loser Couples the next time. I know how crazy that sounds. I even talked to hubby about going back to College again and he pretty much laughed at me. That is 2 times today he has done that. I need to finally stand up for myself. You see the thing about this is, when I did it before, everyone in my Family just thought I was nuts. Tell me why? I do not know. They say you teach people how to treat you. What am I doing wrong? I do not believe in myself. I feel sad most of the time because I cannot enjoy my food anymore. Even when I do eat things I love, I still feel guilty. When I eat right I still feel guilty. Should I have eaten that? probably not. How did I overcome this last time? I knew that my health is at risk. I need to tap into that again. This is a possibility. I also know that I need to lose the weight for my Heart. This is what I need to think about when my mind starts that old thinking again. Why do I defeat myself? What do I get from being Fat? I am trying to fade away again. I am so bored here. I am also feeling threatened by hubby being here so much. There are things I want to do here that I never get to do because we are always going some where. My entire day is disrupted to "go". It is like everything is spinning out of control again. I have even thought about getting a job again just to get away. Would I mess up even the best job if I got it? That ideal job? I do not know. I have always been non-decisive. It is easier to just give up than it is to fight. If I don't believe in me, how will anyone else? I think I seriously need to talk to someone about this, but who? Maybe tomorrow will help me. I go to the Heart Surgeon tomorrow. Facing this surgery has not been a good thing. The continued waiting, the not knowing. The time lost by having the spells. That is all I know for sure. HELP!!