Time

I have not had the best week thinking wise. Those old thoughts are sneaking back in. I am eating a bit more than I should. We are watching The Biggest Loser right now. I said something to Larry about that I have not had one real "bad" food since I started this journey. He pretty much reacted in a way that told me he does not agree with that. The only time I have had more than I should was a couple of weeks ago when I had a pint of soft serve. Yes, I should not have had it. But, I have been SO strong for 3 years. How do I give up my Consolation? My only real Lover right now. I am not getting enough loving. So, here comes my dear friend again to make me feel good. I have been in pain from not eating!! How does one change the mindset of loving food? I keep saying TRY. There is no Try, there is only do or do not. I don't want to be unhealthy. I will not make any more excuses. I am way too good at doing that. I see myself in the two young girls on the Loser. They say some of the same things I have been saying to myself. I have been doing what they are doing all of my Life. It really makes me angry at me. I am NOT going back to that fat person I was. This has to end NOW, right HERE. I will be stronger. I really will!! What am I avoiding? Why am I slipping? What has changed that is making me give up on me? Well, one thing is that I feel all control of my Life slipping away again. I have no purpose except to be there for my kids and be at everyone's beck and call. There is no way I can say no! I am a Lifeline to my daughter. She is dealing with a heavy load. If I say no to that, it makes me a bad person. Yet this all said, I want to run away. I feel the need to escape at all costs again. What would I do if I could right now? I would go somewhere for a couple of months. Then once I got there, I would want to be home the entire time I was gone. I even thought of applying for the Biggest Loser Couples the next time. I know how crazy that sounds. I even talked to hubby about going back to College again and he pretty much laughed at me. That is 2 times today he has done that. I need to finally stand up for myself. You see the thing about this is, when I did it before, everyone in my Family just thought I was nuts. Tell me why? I do not know. They say you teach people how to treat you. What am I doing wrong? I do not believe in myself. I feel sad most of the time because I cannot enjoy my food anymore. Even when I do eat things I love, I still feel guilty. When I eat right I still feel guilty. Should I have eaten that? probably not. How did I overcome this last time? I knew that my health is at risk. I need to tap into that again. This is a possibility. I also know that I need to lose the weight for my Heart. This is what I need to think about when my mind starts that old thinking again. Why do I defeat myself? What do I get from being Fat? I am trying to fade away again. I am so bored here. I am also feeling threatened by hubby being here so much. There are things I want to do here that I never get to do because we are always going some where. My entire day is disrupted to "go". It is like everything is spinning out of control again. I have even thought about getting a job again just to get away. Would I mess up even the best job if I got it? That ideal job? I do not know. I have always been non-decisive. It is easier to just give up than it is to fight. If I don't believe in me, how will anyone else? I think I seriously need to talk to someone about this, but who? Maybe tomorrow will help me. I go to the Heart Surgeon tomorrow. Facing this surgery has not been a good thing. The continued waiting, the not knowing. The time lost by having the spells. That is all I know for sure. HELP!!

Change

Think your Life. Make changes in your thinking, it will change your Life forever. (I am watching Oprah and these are notes I am making from the show. I have thought in a pit for several years. What do I mean by this? I was stuck in a pit and could not climb out alone. I needed help. There are days when I find myself starting to drag or slip back in. When that happens, I tell myself to shut up and get rid of those negative thoughts. What am I sending out into the Universe? Negatives or Positives. I am slowly turning these thoughts around. Now I am sending out these vibes. Universe here I am. These are my thoughts. I will become thin. Not Runway thin, but Healthy thin. Heart thin. No longer worried about that number on the scale.

Go to the Core of Truth. Ask for deeper things, not shallow ones. BE CONTENT~!!
Ring of Fire is where you have to go to get to where you want to go. Core of Peace. Embrace yourself and your Life. Accept where you are now (Myself accepting)

Become Spiritual. Pray. Ask for what you need, not what you want. There is a deep difference.
Believe in Miracles! Ask for Miracles!
Get Miracles.

I still wonder where I went off track. Maybe that is not important. Maybe I have spent way too much time trying to figure that out. I am content where I am right now. There are things happening that I did not expect nor want, but every one of them has taught me something. Life is what Happens while you are making plans.

I begin right here right now to send out to the Universe my needs. That saying "Be careful what you ask for" is so true. If you ask for shallow, you get shallow. I have been asking for shallow for too long. One day I was reading what I had written in my journal. I suddenly realized that my husband has all of the qualities that I wanted in a man. Yet somehow, I managed to think that I did not want or need him anymore. It was never about him, It was about ME!

Vision Board. Focus. Articulate what you want for you. Success, expressions of my talent in a rewarding way. Helping others. Receive Love from strangers.

Thinking can cause things to happen. If you do not need anything, things will come to us.

Martha Beck, Author
Change thinking. Change thinking. Do a Vision board of your Dreams and Wants.

Sometimes when good things do not happen. Who do I need to forgive? MYSELF. Mom and Dad. Grandpa and Grandmas both sides.

I let this go. I am a good person, period. JUST THE WAY I AM RIGHT NOW. I finally LOVE ME! I forgive me for going to a bad place for a while. I forgive myself for being so angry at Mom and Dad and their parents. THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD. I forgive me for being so afraid of failure OR success. I will move forward from where I am...in my Art. In my exercise. In my Writing. There is good in the Universe. I deserve success. I deserve to be loved. I am worthy. I sit here typing through tears. I feel better already! I am so glad I finally asked for help....from me. I truly LOVE me now. Lumpy, dumpy, pretty, funny, talented me.

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Winter Blahs

I have been so busy the past few months, writing did not come to me. I lost out on the writing every day thing. No excuse, just did not feel like it. Got through the Holidays...at least survived them. We all had the Ava thing hanging over us this year. We were sad yet glad she is still with us. The part that kills me day after day is the knowing that this is all we will ever get of her. She is a cute little body with no working mind. How does one ever come to terms with that? How does one ever get over that pain? How do we go on? How do we deal with it? People are dealing with this sort of thing every day and with the great medical care and the "saving grace" that modern medicine gives to the medical community, where are the ethics? What about the Doctor's oath to "first do no harm"? Is it not harmful to deal with all of the after effects of having someone saved for no real quality of Life? I have been saying this from day one. The 3rd of August. The Day our world stood still. Time became just a number passing by. Don't get me wrong, I love our Ava. I love her beyond belief. The thing that kills me is the "Why". Why were we given this beautiful little girl to love and give our Hearts to only to know that she will live a Life as she will live? If you can call it living without a Brain. I hope anyone reading this will forgive me if this sounds harsh. It IS hard. Harsh, painful, angst giving, non ending. If I feel this way, how do her parents feel? They are on auto pilot going through each day and dealing with it without much showing. The toughest part is that we know nothing good will come, ever. Hope is not there as it is in most cases like this. Angry? Yes I am angry. I am angry at everything I can be mad at. I am angry that no one told us that there was a risk of chemicals on innocent looking fruits and veggies could harm a baby in the very first phase of brain development. I am angry because genetics can cause some freaky things. I am angry at the Doctors who saved her. I am angry they did not let her go. I am angry at me for feeling these feelings, they are so against my nature. I am angry at me for not being able for the first time in my Life not to fix it and make it better. I cannot help my daughter wake up from this awful Dream. Every day when I wake up, I hope it was a Dream. But of course it is no Dream, it never will be. Where am I going with this? I do not know. I guess I just want to vent it with words written down and out of my Brain at least for a little while. Where is my optimism? Right now it does not exist. Oh, I know it will return, it has to to keep me alive. We have good Family support. Ava is almost 5 months old now. I love to hold her and snuggle her. I keep hoping part of her will feel our Love, does. That is all for now, I wish I could say I feel better. I don't.